Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
