He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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