Ambien. No doubt about it.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
