So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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