Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
