I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
