meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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