Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She even gives head with a lisp.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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