"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
