so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
