i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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