apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
