my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
