i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
