Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
