Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
