Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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