how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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