We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
