So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Randomize
