I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
