She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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