My room smells like vodka and shame
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
