When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
