I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
