She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
