my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
