I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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