I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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