I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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