Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
