I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
