People in love make me want to vomit
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
