HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
