i permit you to call me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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