Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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