you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
