It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You took a bar mat shot.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
