he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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