just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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