Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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