Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
