who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
