I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
