do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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