you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
