I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
