Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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