i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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