I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
