If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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