the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My cat gives me a boner
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
