You smell like a Billy Joel song
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
