i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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