I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
