maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
