I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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