I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
